I've not been sleeping at all lately. Of course I never sleep well and have to be strict about bed times and routines regardless of how sleepy I am.
I often find that I go to bed feeling absolutely exhausted but I can't sleep. My mind is whirring about mostly inconsequential stuff. I get annoyed with myself because I'm worrying about things which are beyond my control and I have to give myself a good talking to, often in the middle of the night, because I know I'm wasting energy.
So when I got up this morning feeling more unrefreshed than normal and found that dishes hadn't been cleared away from last nights dinner and the freezer door had been left ajar so that it had frozen all over the door and would no longer close properly, my mood dropped considerably further. I could feel my head beginning to hurt and pain in my neck flared up again.
I cleaned the kitchen and defrosted and cleaned the freezer and by the time I sat down to have my breakfast I knew that I had used all my energy for the day (I'd run out of spoons).
When my youngest son (19) got up and noticed I had the hump he asked what was wrong and we were then joined by my oldest son (21) so I decided that I needed to explain.
I'll admit that I didn't do a very good job as I'm painfully aware that they're probably not interested in why Mum's not feeling good again.
So the chat went along the lines of 'you two don't ever volunteer to help me with anything, you only do something when you're specifically asked, you need to offer to do things and not cause more work for me.' And then the sentiment that has probably been said by every parent that's ever lived; 'this isn't a hotel, you don't have a maid clearing up after you, you need to think about what you're doing'.
I shouldn't have said these things but then I shouldn't have felt like I needed to either.
My problem is that the boys don't get me, they dont understand and probably don't even want to. I don't want them to remember their last few years at home as being hard work or unhappy but on the other hand is it really too much to expect them to help around the house sometimes?
I think this is a long battle and I'm not sure I can be bothered to fight to be honest. My husband normally does a good job of running the house as he works from home but this week he hasn't been well and therefore things have drifted. It has really highlighted how little the boys have been doing.
Oh well, hopefully they will think about what I said, although I'm sure they will need to be 'reminded' quite frequently.
Time will tell.
Stay well.
Dee
Dee,
ReplyDeleteI so get you. Have been diagnosed with FB 2003 I didnt understand how it would affect my life and I too had a "discussion" with my 12 year old and huband last night " did anyone see poop on the puppy pad? and now the 2 kittens are playing scoccer with? Does anyone care how unsanitary this is? So I retreated to my "safe" room recliner with my icebags and Bengay and cried. Just being in pain all the time is just too much, But the sun is a welcoming site and I cannot give in or up. I will pray for you. Kathy
Hi Kathy, thanks ever so much for your comments. Some days are easier than others aren't they? Its a very fine balancing act. If I get over anxious, I have to reduce my physical exertions. If I work too hard I have to reduce my brain function. I go round and round in circles sometimes. But I know this won't last; it will pass eventually.
ReplyDeleteFor now, I live moment by moment and try to avoid putting unneccessary stress or exertion on myself.
As for the boys, well I will have to accept that they need to be told what to do, I've been leaving them a note with a list of jobs but this had slipped a bit lately; I'll have to plan better.
My thoughts are with you Kathy, and I hope that you find comfort and relaxation.
Stay well and keep smiling.
Dee