Going Back In Time.......

Previously when I've returned to my home town I've felt uncomfortable, this time I didn't.

I left the town where I grew up around 9 years ago, and now live about 200 miles west. I've gone back several times to visit family and have always felt a bit uncomfortable. I think amongst other things I was concerned about bumping into people that I didn't want to see.

However, this time it was different. We stayed in a hotel in Southend, a place where I used to take the children during the school holidays, and it brought back happy memories.

I used to take the kids to watch the Southend air show every year, they were happy times. The three of us, and my parents.

I then went into Basildon town centre; that's where I used to get anxious about bumping in to people. But this time, I felt relaxed, probably because Rob was with me.

I went to what used to be Allders, now Debenhams. I used to bring the kids in to town to meet my Mum and have lunch in Allders. That period of my life was very happy. It seemed to be sunny all the time, I'd get on the bus with 2 kids and a pushchair and just mooch around town with my Mum, it was lovely.

I even found myself looking at the other young mums with pushchairs, wondering if I knew them. Of course, I soon realised that actually I was more likely to have known the Grandma than the young Mum, as I'm 47 and not 23 which is how I was remembering myself.

Where has the last few years gone? It seems like only yesterday when I was packing up the house in Corringham, preparing to start my new life, yet it also seems like a different life time ago.

My 'kids', who I still picture as babies in prams, are both now in their twenties, but when I think of them I imagine they are still totally dependant on me! Of course that's not the case, they are in fact both independent, mature, centred young people with their own jobs, plans and futures.

I'm glad I'm no longer anxious about meeting people that I'd rather avoid. If it happens I'll deal with it (as long as I have Rob with me of course). I didn't do anything wrong, or anything to be ashamed of. In fact the people I'm referring to should look at themselves and consider how they behaved. I wonder if their consciences are clear? Whether they are or not is now irrelevant to me, I couldn't care less; after all that was exactly how they treated me; they didn't care when I needed them!

Please don't think I'm angry, I'm not! I'm just rationalising my memories.

Be strong!

Many brains make bright ideas!

Thanks for reading my blog, I'm looking for your help. I'd like to take part in The Big Sleep for ME but I can't decide what I can do. (www.thebigsleepforme.com)

It has to be something that requires little energy, though I do have the support of Rob and Amy who are going to fundraise with me.

A whole day in my PJs is almost the norm for me, so I'd like to incorporate something else into our plans.

I'm not sure I can cope with lots of people around either, I think the noise will be too much.

I sound like a right old bore don't I? I'm sure others also feel like I do, that I'm old before my time! I read somewhere that FM adds around 20 years to your actual age, and I certainly feel a lot older than I actually am. Still that's a whole other story.

I'm thinking making and selling jam, but it doesn't feel very exciting. So I'd appreciate your ideas, what do you suggest I do to raise awareness and money for ME / FM?

All ideas welcome.......

What a week!

I feel like I've not quite been 'with it' at all this week.

I travelled to Liverpool and back, then down to Bournemouth for meetings for 3 days and then home again.

I had a migraine in Liverpool and its taken me all week to recover.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm watching myself from a distance. It's like an out of body experience. I can see myself moving more and more slowly, mumbling over my words, withdrawing into myself. I have a really calm exterior but inside I'm panicking; not screaming, cos that would take too much energy!

When I get to the stage when I don't have the energy to smile, talk, or think. When the effort of putting one foot in front of the other becomes too much of an effort, I know I have to stop. I have to get into bed, cover my eyes with my mask, put my meditation music on, take my meds and relax.

It feels so lovely to totally, absolutely relax. That feeling when nothing else matters, when the stress and strain drains from my body and flows away. It's bliss. It feels like I can breath freely again, the weight of every day problems falls away, are irrelevant.

That's when my battery's recharge.

That's what I need now.

I hope you are able to find the same feeling of total relaxation sometimes. It doesn't always work, I have to prepare and get my mind into the right state, and if the pains too bad, I can't find relaxation.

But it does happen most of the time, perhaps I'm lucky? How do you relax?

Here's to recharged batteries.

Keep smiling

Dee

Plan to be Spontaneous.

I'm always being told to chill out, stop worrying, relax! My son told me just an hour ago, that I worry too much.

They are right of course, but it's easier said than done. I'd love to be laid back, to take everything in my stride, to have nothing faze me, but that's not me.

Yes, I over analyse, I over think, I over plan and over prepare. The thought of attending a meeting without being 100 percent prepared for any eventuality, fills me with absolute dread. It even gives me nightmares.

There are particular deadlines in my job that are finite, it's black and white, if you miss the deadline, you miss the business. When I know that there's one coming up I'm on tender hooks even though its normally not within my control, I have colleagues who are on the front line of these deadlines, ultimately it's not my responsibility.

There was a huge deadline today, and guess what....... I had a migraine. Surprise, surprise. Who'd have thought it!

I tried to explain to Rob and Amy a couple of weeks ago about why I need to prepare and can't just drop everything and 'pop' out for a bit. Of course I used spoons! They got it. Particularly Rob, who sometimes does find it difficult to understand my illness. It's not for want of trying as he's been looking after me for quite some time but every now and again we have a little breakthrough when I'm more able to explain and Robs able to understand.

If I know I am going to be busy at the end of the week I tend to rest more before and after. We've got a weekend away coming up so I've booked the Friday and Monday off work so that I can cope.

It's very frustrating, when Rob says let's go out tonight, and I have to say no, because I haven't had a nap in the afternoon, so the last thing I can imagine doing is getting out of my slouchy pjs to go out in the cold.

So, the only way I can be spontaneous, is to plan ahead! Whether you consider that to be cheating, ruining the moment or just an oxymoron ( get me using big words!) I'm afraid that is how it has to be. So please bear with me while I research, prepare, consider and plan, and then we can 'do lunch'.

Be strong!

It Will Pass

Sleep - 5

Pain - 4

Migraine - 2

Fibrofog - 3

IBS - 3

Tiredness - 5

(1=minimal, 5=chronic)

Hello everyone

Apologies for being absent for so long, much has happened. In particular, my daughter, my friend and my secretary (lol) has moved away for an exciting job ( so proud ).  She comes home every other weekend which is fabulous, so I'm back to writing my own blog!  I'm afraid it will be less frequent, so please bear with me.

I was determined to see my husband perform in a charity do on Thursday evening. This is absolutely unheard of. Not only would it be a late night but also during the week. It was also a sell out, so I 'booked' a chair, made sure I had someone to sit with and kept to drinking water all night. I decided that I miss so much that I would be there come hell or high water.

It was a fantastic night, I laughed harder than I'd laughed for ages. It was lovely to be in the company of family and friends after having missed out on so many other events.

I even managed to have 2, yes 2, slow "dances" with my wonderful hubby. Ok, so we hardly moved, and we danced in the corner of the room instead of on the packed dance floor. But it felt fabulous.

However, of course, I paid for it afterwards. In fact by about 11.30 pm my left eye lid started drooping. This is a new symptom, not one I've ever experienced before and it was a little scary. Thankfully, by the morning it was back to normal. I worked from home Friday, and didn't feel too bad. 

It's quite normal for me to spend all weekend in bed, and this weekend was no different. The tiredness and pain was higher than normal. 

Saturday night I struggled to sleep and actually felt so tired that I worried that my body would give up breathing while I was asleep, because breathing felt like such an effort. My hips, my neck, my scalp, my legs; they all hurt.

Rob ( hubby ) always comforts me with "it'll pass" and he's always right, it does.

That's become our mantra; it will pass, it will pass, it WILL pass!

So, I've relied more than normal on my 'Classics for Meditation,' blackout eye mask, neck support, pain relief. But more than anything I'll continue to rely on my Rob and my lovely family to keep me going in mind, body and spirit!

Keep smiling x

Frustrations

Hi All,

Sleep: 5
Pain: 4
Migraine: 2
Fibrofog: 4
IBS: 1
Tiredness: 4

(1 = minimal, 5 = chronic)

This week Mum is very frustrated because as the nice weather makes an appearance she really likes to potter in the garden and spend time outside but as you will see from this week's rankings she is struggling a bit and too tired to make the most of it.

This is a shame, although mitigated slightly by having her wheelchair.  This means that providing she has plenty of support she feels able to go to the zoo with my Dad, their two year old granddaughter and me tomorrow.  However, the chair can only go so far and it is still really hard work for Mum.

Does anyone else feel frustrated about not being able to make the most of the lovely weather?

Mum also watched a really interesting program on BBC Week in Week Out this week called "Wales in Pain" which was primarily about people addicted to pain killers but also details a lady who suffered from FM - she went from being bedridden to preparing to hike up Snowdon Mountain as a result of staying at a chronic pain clinic called "Pain and Fatigue Management Centre" located on the Bronllys Hospital site.   NHS doctors resist sending people to this clinic because of the cost.  It was a very captivating program.

This is on the BBC I-Player for anyone interested.

Hope everyone has a good week.

Best Wishes,

Dee and Amy 

A good week!

Hi everyone,

Sleep: 2
Pain: 2
Migraine: 1
Fibrofog: 3
IBS: 2
Tiredness: 2

(1 = minimal, 5 = chronic)

As you can see, for Mum this is a really good week.  This is especially because Mum has had a lot of work and travelling on this week, along with some high pressured meetings to attend.  A lot of this has involved being away over night (3 nights out of 5) so having a good week despite all of this is even more of a bonus.

Mum is now on her third week of some new tablets from the doctor, and is hoping that this good week could be the product of that.  Although its hard to tell because obviously there are good weeks and bad weeks.

The new tablets are Sertralene 50mg - these are anti-depressants which were prescribed because Mum has a problem with clenching her jaw at night which is causing her headaches.  The doctor suggested these tablets but in such a low dose that they are commonly used to help disturbed sleep.

Another thing that has contributed to feeling quite good this week is that my Dad has been taking the pressure off of Mum a lot.  He hasn't gone overboard but has done a lot of little things that are making a big difference - doing the laundry, cooking dinner a few nights of the week and being generally thoughtful and caring.  This has made a really big difference and been really nice - supportive friends and family can improve things a great deal; sometimes without even realizing!

We hope some of you have had a good week too?

Here's hoping that the bank holiday is sunny as forecast - hoping everyone has a lovely day off.

Best wishes,

Dee and Amy